I could have chosen my title to be, ‘It’s not me, It’s you.’ But Taylor’s song best suits this.

But I guess this is a better representation of the dream that I had since hey, dreams are opposite of reality right?  Boy no. 1, a nicer name now that since it was probably God-Willed for me to forgive him of some sorts. 25th Feb. Boon Lay MRT. Passed me by, glanced me twice. I distinctively recalled I heard an ‘eh…’. A door apart on the cabin, worlds apart in the now. Guess we were both shocked to see each other since we graduated. But I’m still not so sure, because I thought he was more plump.

My dream this morning, saw him coming to my house, as if to visit, yet as if to spill his confessions. So in a gist, I hear,  it was all for the convenience of sex. And he enjoyed it. Fine and Great. Because, I DON’T. HE slept over at my place, I recall having a quarrel with my dad over as to he can sleep in my room. But whatever, nobody wants to get touchy yeah? I’m just crazy. And I probably wanted some atmosphere of having the person around, but not relation or sex around.

Boy no 2. Everyone knows how difficult this is because not only is there no closure, it’s like a broken radio, it receives reception on and off. Sometimes like on a castaway island, long periods of silence, and then it gets warm, then cold. So one day in this year, it becomes the MRI or that device measuring heartbeats of persons in coma, pronouncing the dead. It’s unusual, knowing before the person rather leaves that beeping device on ALL the time than off. I guessed it was some failing gadget. Didn’t think much coz I was so occupied in lab, frustrating over more things than you can contain.

So the shock came today. An maybe innocent picture of 2 people or two people dating or in love. Sometimes it can be difficult to guess given the complexity of relationships these days.  Oh and did I forget to mention I taken pictures with these 2 boys before? It doesn’t matter because its the profile - on the know, in the show. Did I not graciously like that photo? And did I not at the moment turn sour and realised again how stupid am I each time I let myself feed my own hallunciations and the greedy pesticites? And will I later regret this sentence and turn soft again?

At the end, I brought myself to the then memory of tipping point of these 2 relationships, and I know, I truly know, I was brave enough, to let go, to pursue, that’s why it made me so fragile and vulnerable, but this courage, is the exact one that led me to see the one and only boy who frustrates over when we can’t own a love nest.

And if you’re feeling sorry, you can tell me. We’ll be better, we’ll become.

This year the feelings seems to be quite mixed as I step into this new year… 1st I must say, yeah… I did have a boring countdown or even no countdown at home watching the clock just tick past midnight. And indeed, to some I read on le love, it’s just a day after another… after all the hype. In some sense, I do agree with that… but if I were to just stick to that… well… this will just be another year in waiting. I refuse, of coz!

There have been quite a few “revelations”… it’s amazing how sometimes I like to generalize things and end up boring myself thinking life is predictable then bam! things turn up in strange but wonderful ways. Where should I start… Hmmm. Alrights with regards to my new year resolutions I haven’t had time to set them but at least I do see the need to after reminder from dear pam. And especially after reading this super amazing book which I recommend all to lay your hands on called, ” Whatever you think, think the OPPOSITE.” It’s inspiring and motivating for those who think life is always waiting and starting to go in cycles and never ending boring or bad cycles. Another book which is uber cool that I got it at such an amazing price, ” Hell in the Hallway” is another rescue to the bad day beginnings and lifts me immediately.

After mentioning all this, I really must say, it’s amazing amazing amazing coz I haven’t been reading so many books for a long time… not counting textbooks that is. And I thoroughly enjoy it because it’s really been a changing time for me. My last year just ended bad with pimple outbreaks or what is known as adult acne. it’s not serious, but not having such conditions for 24 yrs and then having to deal with pimples daily suddenly really added some serious stress at the beginning. And then there was a rather I-don’t-know would you call it sour moment of a friendship. And NO RESULTS in lab… that was really demoralizing for me, but I found the strength and motivation after a while.

But this year, is NOT THE SAME. sometimes HOPE is really what keeps people hanging on. and yah! I hope this year will be a BRAND NEW year with BRAND NEW changes. I’m now reading the art of choosing which I really hope helps me stop being indecisive but of coz the book itself touches choice on a more broad level. Nevertheless it’s a good read. Am listening to Lisa Ono’s selections and caught 2 award worthy movies: Hello Stranger and Confessions. Got presents for everyone for christmas and treated my mum. Everyone’s happy, I’m glad, and I hope everyone gets what they want yah!

Life always has a way of showing you the little things that makes great changes to your life. =)

I dreamt I was killed in a massacre. It was horrible. It made me realise 2 facts: If the killer had intended you to die, you will. Nothing he or she says is going to “let you off”. And secondly, some things that set people apart, will always do, when it comes to crucial choices like this.

It was somewhat like a college. There was a boy, who was probably intellectually not so smart and came to receive “treatment” but then again the college looked like any other college with normal ppl. I couldn’t rem what was happening in between but it seemed I somehow came to know most of the people there whom were caucassians. And the structure looked more like in some medival period where huge windows were the norm.

Before the time of horror, I was with my male companion. I dunno if it was that boy, but after a while we were separated. The next moment, we seemed to be in a church at the second level. There were people waiting at the first level and ordered us down.

It was a group of people in the medival costumes, those old english victorian type. They looked extremely displeased with us. A girl amongst them was holding a bouquet of flowers, and someone else ordered us to stand behind her probably asking us to catch the bouquet. But she had no intention of throwing to us. She just did a light toss to pass it to the maiden behind.

An old lady stepped out and started to talk to us on how we will be accepted into the group. She asked a few questions beforehand but no one could answer. A form and terms and conditions list was passed out to us which we immediately filled out and stapled. Fear was consuming us. Then the most cruel words came out from her mouth, ” Let’s turn to terms and conditions. NO. 1 STATES THAT IF YOU DO NOT BELONG, YOU WILL NEVER BELONG.” She asked Jing Ti, the girl besides me how are we going to do about that. She couldn’t answer. I started to bend over and crawl for my escape. The old lady listed one last condition -  for girls/boys that came from recognised institutes (I heard RI and RGS, don’t ask me why), they would be accepted into the group. Needless to say, there was a stampede and in a round of loud gunshots, everyone was killed. I don’t remember I or the boy survived. I woke up.

P.S: if there is such a movie or real event that sounds like this, please let me know.

Should I say it’s a dream destroyed in the year 2010. hahahahahaha. Actually it wasn’t that horrible. I saw its forthcoming when the words like shortlisted appeared. Yet when I was listening to the woman speak, ” I’m sure all you guys are fashion students or have passion towards fashion.” At that point I just naively believe that it will be based on passion for fashion, professionalism above all. Of course, the eventual act of not asking anything personal and just taking the passport sized photos just proved one thing – it was all about the look. Just like the fashion industry was meant to be.  

Of course, conversations also made me realise about people who wanted to more desperately than me. Not that I din want it bad, just that to me it’s a dream I want to fufil, but to them it will be their one and only job and they will be willing to jump into it like right now. Besides, I don’t really need that experience that much I presume. Or perhaps in a way, I will understand it later.

But when I took out my sketches and looked through once again. I’m convinced someday, it will be my turn.

I love the show… it always has meaningful quotes like this one:

失去的东西为什么会觉得特别珍贵， 是因为你不知道何时何地会再看到它 甚至永远都不会再可能找到它了。

得不到的东西为什么会让人特别感到悔恨， 是因为它曝露你的愚蠢无能与软弱。

“ 榴莲壳，豆腐心。”

This song 好呼应我当下的一些心情喔！<3 the live version he sang at 康熙:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5MoIHrfvo9w&feature=related So real and emotional. I think the glasses helped in covering some.

房祖名 – 若无其事

不再不再给你任何等待
放弃我已慢慢把你放弃
一切我已慢慢失去感觉
若无其事我就想
若无其事我就想
若无其事

其实我曾想过
是否我们相处时间                                                                          
多不多 多些错
有时害怕结果最后  
难过躲不过寂寞
没结果的结果
对我来说
就算寂寞也算解脱
喔。。。
算解脱
喔。。。

This was something I thought of a week ago. I thought, if I came up with more quotes, I could write a quote book soon. Hees.

“When we were young, we let time pass by. Now, time passes us by.”

“I hate you so much, I must forgive you.” – kinda personal thought on that one.

I feel like reading poetry aloud to my boyfriend. But I think he might not appreciate. Should try this.

Now, talks about today. Today I am quite happy. The graduate studies interview went well! Though I have never communicated with this Prof, he’s really as nice as it gets. And he kept encouraging me that it is good to do Masters and how to convert to PhD blah blah. And finally, I can put down this stone. I’m in! Heh Heh… Just need to iron out the work that I’m doing now. Where has all the Year of the Tiger luck gone? I am so keeping my fingers crossed each day now. Always in hope of something new, something good. Tomorrow. *)

how ironic, but like as though i was sitting on a rollercoaster… today was exhilerating! i got my first crystal structure in my life! and the compound was just as prof mathey expected. as the saying goes… the old ginger is still the spiciest (best!) hehe. amazing. and life is full of hope again! hahaha. i love it! been laughing evil-y and randomly all day. according to matt. but who cares! it’s like a holiday…. didn’t we all work so hard just for this. so liberating. finally the one year barren hen gives births to crystals. all peace to the world! till then.

Today I am feeling unwell. time of the month. and as usual. I fail to become un-upset. my pasts wants to haunt me, I remember the failure in me, the person without dignity at that point of time, that forgotten that I was special, irreplaceable, and above all, I am one.

I had a visualisation, and a dream.

I saw a middle sized room, full of people, so crowded that ppl were probably jam packed like tunas. I went in, searching for someone whom I should be familiar to. I should have been able to find, I know this person, but no. I saw him, I waved, I shouted, and finally tired, I left. back to

my room. next door. empty. some ppl. few ppl. were around. making small talk. there were 2 types of doors, one where u swung, and it was fully open, the exit shortly beside. ppl walked thru to go somewhere else. on that wall nearby, was full of pictures, words, more of vandalism. I think I tried scrubbing, it doesn’t go away so easily. my other door, had 3 locks. i held the keys. where i stood, in front of that exit door.

I keep waiting. but I knew, it is no longer mine. all I hold onto, becomes worthless.

a second full circle has passed. suddenly I think of this moon, this girl on the moon, this myth we all remember, but above all, given a choice, would she rather be forgotten for a chance with her lover.

my dream, my mom taking me and my brother on a car. I was searching for wj. I met him. he was hosting a party. again I lived nearby. before that he came to me. but somehow I dunno why he looked different.

I dunno why. I feel miserable. I know this is going to be a short phrase. so fast I would come to think of how riddiculous I am. till then.

today i had a quarrel with my mom. for friends who know me, quarrels in my home are not uncommon. but today i deeply realise what it means when people say that blood ties are more impt than anything else, or rather, u will never be too angry with ur family to not forgive. althhough yes, they are the ones who piss u off more easily, and can get u more angry than anything else.

i think i have an issue. i take things for granted too easily. just like other aspects of my character, i get excited, angry, happy, blah blah blah too easily. and so, even though i had arranged with her ytd, i was still testing my mom’s patience this morn by not wanting to go and then giving in reluctantly. when i wanted to leave and she did not, her getting mad and crying is just a part of her. plus, the other time when i went to the supermart with her, she was just busy talking on the phone. so i didn’t have anything to lose by not going.

 but then it was when i called her, and she spoke to me in such an amiable manner that i feel ashamed, and all the more when she came back with the new year goodies i liked, i realised how childish and shallow i could be. i already knew it was my mistake. and while i was eating the food she bought, i so wanted to go hug her and say sorry. instead, she was on the phone again. but of coz i still went to apologize. and guess what, the kind of sense of relief is like no other. and then it also dawned upon me AGAIN, how can my mom be so uncaring sometimes and yet forgiving and sensitive in another. but one thing i know, she definitely has a strong heart which makes her a #1 mother in my heart. no matter how i think back abt the mistakes she has done and what she could have done better, i know i haven been through after all, and also her forgiving heart is something i can never match up to.

before that i had good news to share, but somehow, i lose the happiness in it. and of coz i start to question the goodness… maybe it was because we were really working so hard this week in the lab, i forgot what it means to be happy to get results, to get new proposals, and of coz the ultimate happiness that was surrounding my life and keeping me smile for the week: my professor’s approval for my graduate studies and also hiring me as a research officer. see, in my life, another thing about me is i seek approval from people more impt that just results. so even though yes, the results for the application is not confirmed, but i’m already glad.

lastly, i finally settled down in a church i guess, and god has definitely been using the pastor and past few sermons in hebrews to remind me of the goodness of god in my life, and how i should have more faith in god plus handing the “remote control” to him. it ain’t going to be easy, i am a control freak and i know…. and i do hope that at the end of the day, my faith will lead the ones i love to the one who loved me most.

i am truly happy, because i am with the ones whom i love, and with the ones who love me.